U is Not a Word: Improper Uses of Chat Speak

A college professor started his class one day by handing back the assignment his students had turned in a couple of weeks prior, now complete with his corrections. After returning the essays to their respective writers, he then made his way to the front board and proceeded to address the entire class.

“I hoped I wouldn’t have to do this…” he said disappointedly, and he turned to the board to write a single word-letter pair on it:

You/U

The professor turned back to the class and explained that the correct way to write the word “you” in a paper is Y-O-U, never just the letter U, as he had noticed in some of the essays now sitting on his students’ desks decorated with red ink. He then took the time to write a few more sets of words on the board:

Your/You’re
Their/There/They’re
To/Too/Two

Once again, the professor explained to the class the proper use of the words he had just written. The students nodded along as though they knew all this already, but the red ink lining their essays told a different story. If they really knew how to use these words correctly, why would they write about how “you are appreciation for music”, or how “their is an exponentially growing number of bands today in comparison to the past decades”, as if the verb in that phrase belonged to somebody? His explanation finished, the professor returned to his desk to start the day’s lesson, clearly deeply saddened yet again by the increasing decay of the once beautiful structure of the English language.


I wish I could say I fabricated this entire story. I really do wish it were a product of my own imagination, to make up such a scene as college students tossing incorrect grammar around their essays as haphazardly as a child sprinkling sugar over their breakfast cereal. Unfortunately, I regret to say that this story really happened. Well, the basic event, anyway; I took the creative liberties of a writer who wasn’t actually there to fill in a few blanks. This story was recounted to me by my best friend, who had a (metaphorical) front row seat to the rebuking of his classmates for “butchering the English language”.

To be honest, I wasn’t surprised to hear about the homonym-related spelling mistakes. That’s a common problem that I’ve been seeing since I was in grade school, and though I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, I can’t be too fanatic about fixing it either, so I won’t even focus on that. We all make mistakes; even I’ve caught a fair share of “your’s” in my writing that should have been “you’re” (I certainly wasn’t trying to state that the “welcome” belonged to the person with whom I was chatting). What did shock me was learning that the students in the above story had been trying to pass off the letter U as a word all by itself… in a college essay. I’ve known for a while that traditional grammar is on a decline, but I had no idea it had gotten this bad, at least not yet…

A Bad Influence?

Mobile TextingLet me take this moment to say that I am not a so-called “grammar nazi”. I don’t prowl around message boards and comment threads pointing out the technical mistakes in people’s writing that don’t even detract from the content of their posts. I get that there’s a whole other written language for the Internet, the so-called “textese” consisting of abbreviated words and a bare minimum of capital letters that people are trained to understand through extensive use of chat programs and SMS, and that’s fine. The problem is when this language spills over into the “real world”. Abbreviations like “U”, “plz” and “thx” don’t belong outside of text messages and chat conversations, and they especially don’t belong in college assignments.

Now I beg your pardon while I get this one rant out of my system: U is not a word! Not counting official abbreviations, the only real single-letter words in English are A (article) and I (pronoun). When writing in the second person, the correct spelling is Y-O-U. “You should know that U is the 21st letter of the alphabet, and should be treated as such.” That’s the proper way to write. So please, leave your U’s and plzes and thxes online and in your cell phones where they belong, and make an effort to write correctly everywhere else. The English language thanks you.

OK, now that that’s out of the way, time to end on a lighter note…

Don’t Worry, Your Phone is Still Your Friend

Atrocious effects on formal writing aside, did you know that texting actually has its benefits too? I’m not talking about the obvious convenience of sending a message to friends in a second’s notice, but about the ways texting helps to exercise the mind. I know; I was surprised when I first heard this too. But that can’t be right… can it?

  1. Brevity = brilliance. Means of communication like SMS often come with a character limit, which means long messages need to be written as concisely as possible while still being comprehensible, and that usually takes some clever thinking.
  2. Breeding a new generation of writers. Texting gives young people more motivation to write; most teenagers today probably wouldn’t bother writing at all without the stimulation of conversation provided by email and texting.
  3. A different form of spelling practice. Most surprisingly, the practice of abbreviating common words has actually been shown to improve students’ literacy and spelling!

So clearly, chat speak is not as bad as it’s made out to be by many advocates for the English language today. Who knew?

Why am I mentioning this? Partly as a curiosity, but mostly so any major fans of texting reading this won’t think I’m an ignorant monster for bashing one of their favorite pastimes. I just want to clarify that I’m not attacking texting itself; I’m simply defending the practice of organizing different forms of spelling into their appropriate media. In short, U is an understandable and sometimes acceptable abbreviation, but it is not a word. Write wisely!

Oh, and one last thing: no matter how beneficial texting may be for your mind, never text and drive! Just thought I’d point out what should be common sense…

Thanks for reading! And remember: always treat language with respect. Happy writing!

Word of the Week: Pedestrian

Word: pedestrian

Pronunciation: pə-DES-tree-ən

Part of Speech: noun; adjective

Definition:

  1. (n.) a person traveling on foot
  2. (adj.) lacking inspiration or excitement; dull

Source: Oxford Dictionaries


“Pedestrian” was one of my 7th-grade Language Arts teacher’s favorite vocabulary words. It’s one of those interesting words with two very different meanings: on one hand, you could use it to refer to a person strolling in front of your car at the crosswalk; on the other, you could use it to insult a piece of fiction you just read (or any other piece of art for that matter) that you didn’t find particularly exciting.

He told his therapist that he daydreams about running slow pedestrians over with his car.

It amazes me that such a pedestrian novel series could become a worldwide success.

So why is it that this word can have two different meanings with no apparent connection? I myself used to think that the original definition of the English word was just “a person traveling on foot” and that only recently did it come to mean “dull”, but a little research has taught me that this double meaning goes much farther back than that. Apparently, etymology places the root of the word “pedestrian” in the Latin adjective pedester (feminine pedestris, neuter pedestre), which also means both “on foot” and “commonplace”. Only the root of this word (pedes) means just “one who walks” (except in chess, where it refers to a pawn). Who knew?

As for the reason behind the different definitions in Latin, that’s where my knowledge on the subject ends. If I ever do learn more, though, I’ll be sure to update this entry. My apologies!

Anyway, I’m a fan of this word; it’s just common enough to count as colloquial language (though that may or may not be changing in recent times), yet just long enough to pass as an advanced vocabulary word. Overall, it’s simple and fun to use, which is why I thought it would be a good choice to start off Monday’s “Word of the Week” segments. I hope you’ll enjoy them!

What are your thoughts on this word? Any suggestions for future “Word of the Week” featured words?

The Night I Killed The Neighbor’s Dog

(What If? Exercise: Read the description here.)

I remember it was a chilly night in midwinter. A cold breeze was wafting through the peaceful suburban street, gently swaying the leaves of the trees and the petals of the flowers on the front lawn that I always tried to keep so immaculate. The chill of the breeze did little to decrease the elevated temperature of my face, however, as I sat leaning against the wall of my house, clutching my right wrist and panting heavily from the rush of adrenalin to which I had been subjected not two hours ago. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find myself aged twenty years and still looking back on those two hours as the worst of my life…

The street was empty at this hour; none of our neighbors bothered to spend winter evenings outside when such time could be better spent sitting by a warm fire or beneath a cozy blanket while the TV blared favorite prime-time shows. The only living soul in sight to witness my growing anxiety was a silver mackerel tabby sitting on a pile of boxes by the fence before me. Her hazel eyes reflected the moonlight in the eeriest manner, giving the illusion that I was being watched by some kind of condescending animal spirit. But I saw right through her disguise.

“Stupid cat”, I cursed unforgivingly, glaring right back into those brilliant eyes. “Why, Luna? You knew that dog was trouble! You remember what happened last year!”

Our next-door neighbor lived alone in his large, excessively rectangular house. The only other inhabitant of that property was his enormous Rottweiler, a real monster of a dog, who had been appropriately named Everest. Our neighbor had adopted him to keep as a watchdog and guard dog against the thieves who had somehow managed to break into his house twice. However, the Rottweiler had proven to be more of a threat to the neighbors than to potential burglars, and proof of this could be found in the form of signed compression bandage strips in my sister’s bedroom.

As sweet and intriguingly eccentric as our neighbor was, he also happened to be a bit forgetful, a flaw that had proven unfortunate for my little sister’s left leg. One day, Everest’s owner forgot the back gate open, and the dog had seized the opportunity to escape and come bounding into our yard in pursuit of his worst enemy: the little cat who insisted on provoking him from the distant fence every chance she got. The second Luna spotted him, she made a mad dash across the yard for the kitchen door, the dog only a few bounds behind her. My sisters and I stepped out the back door at the exact moment a bristly flash of silver darted past us into the safety of our house. Two of us managed to leap aside just in time to avoid the large black blur now hurtling toward us. My youngest sister was not so lucky. In his mad pursuit of our cat, Everest clipped my sister with such force that he effectively knocked her over like a ragdoll. The impact with the hard floor and the subsequent tumble she took off the back porch were enough to scrape and sprain her leg so badly that she would need cast-like bandaging for the next three weeks.

What saved our neighbor from serious trouble – and his dog from possible impoundment – was the fact that neither our cat nor her owners had suffered any severe damage from that incident. To be perfectly honest, I suspect that even if she had emerged from that event with a broken leg, my spotlight-seeking baby sister would have optimistically milked it for all the attention it was worth from her family and friends. In the end, her sprained ankle sufficed for obtaining plenty of attention and bandage signatures at school; our neighbor agreed to foot the bill for her treatment; and my parents agreed to forget the incident, so long as our neighbor made sure to install a new lock on his gate and double-check it every time he left the house. Everyone was at peace. Everyone but me.

In truth, I had never quite gotten past the events of that day. The Rottweiler on the other side of the fence had always seemed like a threat to me, regardless of the fact that he had never shown any direct aggression toward his human neighbors. My greatest fears regarding that dog were always for the health of my family and the life of my cat, and the chase incident had intensified those fears by at least a power of three. I knew our neighbor had no clue how to train a guard dog himself; Heaven forbid his clumsiness should cost something much worse than a sprained muscle next time. After several weeks of watching Everest grow even larger and more menacing by the day, however, I decided there wouldn’t be a chance for a next time, not if I could help it.

At some point during my winter break, my opportunity to act finally came. Our neighbor was out of town for the month, and he had left the responsibility of feeding his dog to the gardener who tended to his lawn every day. This was an ideal set-up for my intentions, as the blame for the dog’s mysterious disappearance could have easily been lain on the gardener’s negligence regarding the back gate after all was said and done. Now was the time to execute the plan I had been working on for several days, a plan that, if successful, would remove that “bear-dog” from our lives for good.

I was home alone that night; my family had left in the late afternoon to have dinner at our friends’ house, while I feigned a bad headache as an excuse to stay home. By 6 P.M. that evening, the sun had already disappeared behind the horizon, and the neighborhood was just beginning to glow with the artificial illumination of streetlights and household lamps. I pulled on my maroon winter jacket, grabbed the bag of supplies I had put together the night before, and headed out the back door toward our neighbor’s yard, using the spare key he had given us for emergencies to bypass the gate.

Everest was next to his doghouse, just as I knew he would be. I also knew he wouldn’t attack me on sight; as a necessary precaution, the professional dog trainer from whom the Rottweiler had been adopted had insisted on bringing him to the neighborhood himself and personally training him not to attack the neighbors. Even in the dim glow of the house’s outdoor wall light, the dog recognized me immediately, and therefore didn’t bother barking in alarm. That’s why I like large dogs; unlike smaller breeds, they usually tend to bark only in the face of a real threat, not at every living soul that passes by. Our Labrador was like that…

It was in that moment that I began to compare the dog I once owned to the dog I was facing now. Our chocolate Labrador was the sweetest, most gentle creature I had ever known, from the day we adopted her right up to the day she passed away of a heart condition. In a way, our neighbor’s Rottweiler wasn’t much different. He didn’t mean to come off as a monster dog. He wasn’t some savage beast that thrived on the taste of innocent victims’ flesh and blood. He was just a big klutz of an animal, dangerous more for his large body mass than for his powerful jaws. Chasing our cat, knocking people over, destroying neighbor property – all the damage he had caused in the past was really just the playful behavior of a grossly oversized puppy. The way I saw it, taking this dog away from an owner who couldn’t raise him properly would be nothing short of doing him a favor.

“Come on, boy”, I whispered as I extracted a leash and muzzle from the bag I’d brought with me. “We’re going for a walk.”

Five minutes later, I was leading the muzzled Rottweiler across my own yard toward the woods behind our house, the leash in my right hand, the bag and a lit flashlight in my left. If I could just lead him far enough into the seclusion of the trees, we would come to a path leading downhill, where I could then leave him to find his own way to a new home, most likely the neighborhood down the slope where the smell of barbecued meat was ever-present. The path wasn’t too far away, and I was careful to leave the back gate unlocked and wide open. Everyone would simply think Everest had run away of his own accord, never to return to his home street, and no one would be the wiser. It was a perfect plan, and best of all, it didn’t require any physical harm to the dog.

That’s the thing about perfect plans: they’re only ever perfect in theory, because in practice, there’s always that one variable that wasn’t accounted for. In my case, that variable was Luna.

When the dog and I were about halfway across the yard, something suddenly caught my attention: a small pair of eyes glinting in the moonlight straight ahead. My heart stopped the instant I saw those eyes, for I knew exactly to whom they belonged. What was she doing out here? I was so sure I had left her upstairs in my bedroom. Could I have forgotten my window open? Everest must have spotted the cat at the same moment I did, because we both froze at the same time. That’s when everything went wrong.

Without warning, the Rottweiler suddenly lunged forth with what could easily have been the force of a small automobile. The leash was ripped out of my grasp before I had time to react, and the next thing I knew, I was lying facedown on the moist grass of my yard, a throbbing pain in my right wrist. Looking up, I noticed the torn remains of the old leather muzzle that once belonged to my Labrador now lying a few feet away from me. This could only mean one thing: Everest was on the loose, and this time, he was out to kill.

The shrill cry of a cat in distress pierced the still night air. Luna turned and scampered around the side of the house as fast as she could, her Rottweiler pursuer disappearing around the same corner mere seconds after she did. My heart now pounding fiercely with pure terror, I sprang to my feet and hurried to follow the running animals. All the sympathy I had felt earlier for the dog had vanished; he had reverted to his monstrous persona. My humane plan was ruined, replaced with a single thought now racing fervently through my mind: protect Luna at all costs.

Little Luna was only a kitten when we first found her outside our house and adopted her. For the two years that followed, her size increased little, but her growing affection for us was more than enough to compensate for it. I myself had grown especially attached to the tabby; being extremely shy by nature, I felt much more comfortable with an animal companion than with a human one. Luna had become my best friend, and now she was in danger. I couldn’t let that monster dog catch her and rip her apart. How could I live with myself if he did?

A loud crash sounding from around the side of the house sent a horrible chill down my spine. I turned the corner to see Everest now inside our garden shed, sprawled among a mess of overturned gardening tools. Luna was inside the shed as well, leaping toward an open window on the opposite wall from the door. She was still in the dog’s reach, and I knew that if he managed to jump up and grab his prey, he wouldn’t let go until she was dead. I had to act fast if I was going to save her.

Quickly as I could, I ran to the open shed and grabbed the first tool in sight: a large shovel. Everest, distracted by the escaping cat, did not notice me poising myself behind him as he rose to his feet. Just as he made a lunge for Luna, I swung the shovel down to hit him square in the face. It wasn’t enough to knock him out, but the blow was sufficient to daze the animal just long enough for me to scurry out of the shed and bolt the door shut before he turned on me. I dropped the shovel on the ground, then hurried to the other side of the shed to peer through the window. Through all the commotion, Luna had successfully escaped and disappeared into the night. I was alone with the enraged Rottweiler now. Pretty soon, I would just be alone.

I looked down at the ground by my feet to find an intriguing item: a plastic container of antifreeze, which we used for the lawn mower. In that terrifying moment, I knew what had to be done. I had made an enemy of this dog, and now there was no turning back.

I ran into my house through the door leading into the kitchen, where I hurriedly grabbed a couple of hot dogs from my own dinner to bring back with me to the shed. Everest was still growling and angrily pawing at the shed door when I returned. I opened the container beside the wall, carefully dipped the hot dogs in the coolant, and tossed them through the open window. It didn’t take long for the dog to take the bait; antifreeze has a sweet scent that tends to attract hungry animals, particularly unsuspecting house pets.

But the antifreeze alone wouldn’t be enough. If this dog had to meet his fate by my hands, it wouldn’t be a slow painful death from kidney and liver failure over the course of a few days. No, the death had to be quick and as merciful as possible; if there was one thing I wouldn’t stand for, it was subjecting an animal to unnecessary suffering.

Thirty minutes after consuming the poison-soaked hot dogs, Everest was rendered partially disabled, no longer capable of standing properly. He barely reacted when the door finally opened again and I stepped inside, and he didn’t bat an eye as he watched me slowly remove a pair of recently sharpened pruning shears from a hook on the wall. I attached the leash I’d recovered from the yard to the seemingly drunken Rottweiler’s collar, then proceeded to lead him outside into a small patch of the woods. Ten minutes and several stumbles later, the dog was lying in a hole I had dug for him in the cold soil over the last half-hour. Now for the hardest part…

I laid my flashlight on the ground and stepped into the shallow pit, pruning shears in hand. I knelt beside Everest just as he closed his eyes and drifted off into an intoxicated slumber. For some reason, I felt compelled to gently stroke the dog’s head, possibly as a last gesture of compassion and reassurance. His fur was coarse, but with a silky touch to it. I then took a deep breath, and slowly brought the shears to the unconscious Rottweiler’s chest.

“I’m sorry”, I whispered, and with that, I closed my teary eyes and plunged the blades directly into Everest’s heart.

By the end of that eventful night’s episode, the dog’s body was completely buried, the mess in the garden shed had been straightened out, and I was leaning against the wall of my house, cursing at the silver tabby who apparently had decided to show up unexpectedly twice in the same night. I had never meant to hurt anyone, and I wasn’t prepared to forgive my cat for her unanticipated interference any time soon.

“The things I do for you, Luna…”

The mackerel tabby took this moment to leap down from her box perch and slowly walk over to me. Once by my side, she lightly sniffed the droplet bloodstains blending into the folds of my maroon jacket, then crawled into my lap and proceeded to gently lick my injured wrist. At this, I couldn’t help but breathe a heavy sigh; Luna always seemed to know exactly how to express her feelings. While staring straight ahead through the gaps of the fence before me into the darkness of the night, I subconsciously began to stroke my cat’s silver fur as I softly whispered in response to her affectionate gesture…

“You’re welcome.”


This is the first short story I wrote for my online UCBX creative writing course. The prompt was taken from the book What If? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers (the first book I reviewed from my Writer’s Toolkit), specifically Exercise 71: “Kill The Dog”. The exercise is to write a story in which you, the narrator, find yourself in a situation where you must kill the neighbor’s dog, the objective being to practice writing “raw” fiction so as to become “comfortable with the uncomfortable”. I hope you enjoy what I’ve written. Thanks for reading!

Back to the story

Writer’s Toolkit: What If? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers

Every writer who is serious about their craft needs to have a well-stocked writing toolkit at their disposal. Of course, the exact tools may vary among the different artists who choose to use them: a poet may use only small notebooks for jotting down his thoughts, while a short story writer may also choose to keep index cards for organizing her ideas, while a novelist may have a whole bulletin board (or even a room full of them) for keeping track of elaborate plots. Some tools can be seen as universal necessities to all creative writers (such as journals and the aforementioned notebooks), and others seem to be more of a personal preference (such as index cards and exercise books).

In the interest of exploring this array of choices, I’ll be telling about my experience with the instruments in my own writer’s toolkit, starting with a fantastic book of fiction exercises that has proven to be a valuable asset to me: What If? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers, by Anne Bernays and Pamela Painter.

What If? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers, by Anne Bernays and Pamela Painter

What If? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers, by Anne Bernays and Pamela Painter

About the Book

I bought this book for the online creative writing class I took through UC Berkeley back in 2011. The copy I own is the third edition, also called the college edition, which was released in 2009. It holds 109 exercises covering 13 different topics, plus 11 short short stories and 14 short stories provided at the end of the book. Also included with every exercise description is an explanation of the objective behind it, as well as the occasional example courtesy of the authors’ students.

The topics (or parts) covered in the book are:

  1. Beginnings;
  2. Characterization;
  3. Point of View, Perspective, Distance;
  4. Dialogue;
  5. The Interior Landscape of Your Characters;
  6. Plot;
  7. The Elements of Style;
  8. A Writer’s Toolbox;
  9. Invention and a Bit of Inspiration;
  10. Revision: Rewriting is Writing;
  11. Sudden, Flash, Micro, Nano: Writing the Short Short Story;
  12. Learning from the Greats; and
  13. Notebooks, Journals, and Memory.

So what can I tell you about the book? Here are a few key points I’ve learned from my experience.

Pros

The diversity of topics in the book allows you to “custom improve” your writing in the areas you feel need the most work. The explanations are easy to understand, and the student examples are excellent models of the techniques taught through the exercises. For a truly well-rounded experience, a friendly introduction by Bernays and Painter encourages all readers to explore the potential of their writer’s voice and explains the separate definitions of writing like a writer and thinking like one, while the last two sections provide 25 excellent stories to better illustrate the points made throughout the book. Needless to say (oops, Exercise 51: “Word Packages are Not Gifts”),What If? covers a wide enough spread to make it an excellent resource for any fiction writer, as much for the beginner in need of good practice as for the seasoned writer looking to rekindle the fire of inspiration.

But nothing is perfect, right? Now for the downsides…

Cons

The main obvious drawback about using What If? is that it practically requires sharing of completed exercises and subsequent receiving of critique in order for its readers to get the full intended benefits of the book, making it a more popular choice for creative writing workshops and courses as opposed to individual study. Aside from this, readers might find a couple of topics to be lacking in sufficient exercises (Part Seven, for instance, only contains four), which might put off those hoping for a more diverse selection within a certain module. Also, not every written exercise comes with an example, leaving it solely up to the practicing writer to determine the intended approach to the exercise. This is fine for the more independent readers, but for those often looking for extra guidance (like me), it might prove to be a bit of a disappointment.

Still, I honestly don’t think these minor cons do much to outweigh the stronger pros. Yes, What If? is not without its flaws, but overall, I feel it’s a worthwhile read that warrants a place on any writer’s bookshelf.

Summary

Pros

  • Wide diversity of topics (13 total)
  • Exercise descriptions that are easy to understand
  • Excellent student examples
  • Friendly and comprehensive introduction
  • 25 short stories

Cons

  • Requires feedback for full experience
  • Limited selection of exercises in some topics
  • Lack of examples in some exercises

Conclusion

Why have I chosen to open my Writer’s Toolkit posts with this book? It wasn’t a matter of random choice, but rather one of relevance to my own writing. Many of the pieces I’ve written (and others which I’m currently writing) blossomed from the exercises contained in this book, and because of the enlightenment and fun I’ve had with them so far, as well as my need for critique from other writers, I decided to make a habit of sharing some of my own examples of attempts to complete them.

So whenever a certain piece I share in the future has been inspired by a What If? exercise, I’ll be sure to provide a brief explanation of that exercise for easier reference. However, if you’re a writer and you don’t have this book, I highly recommend that if you have the time (and the funds), you grab yourself a copy of What If? as soon as you can! You won’t be disappointed.

There you have it: the top creative writing book on my shelf, and one of the most useful resources in my writer’s toolkit. I hope you’ll enjoy the pieces I produce from these exercises, and I also invite you as aspiring writers to try them out for yourselves. In fact, if you have writing blogs of your own, by all means, please share links to your own pieces in the comment sections. I would love to read them! In the meantime, please feel free to offer your feedback on my work; I look forward to receiving constructive opinions that would help me to further improve my writing.

Thanks for reading! Happy writing!

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